Life Purpose - Why this may be the worst question ever asked
Life Purpose: A matter of perspective 👀
Here’s the deal - if you’ve been kicking around socials of late - chances are you’ve come across this notion that there’s this idea that we’re each born for some higher purpose and have a ‘calling’ to find our soul's work. The unspoken reality, well it’s far less blockbuster movie title worthy!
‘Cause here’s the deal - we actually don’t really know how long we’re going to be around for and we don’t know what events will change our path (chronic illness, a sick parent, the loss of a child, environmental destruction: fire/flooding etc) and so no, I’m willing to have a guess that we don’t actually have one fixed life purpose.
Yeah - for sure we can have a general sense of what it is that makes us joyful, but even this will change over the years. For some it will become diluted among other new-found joys, for others it may grow so strong, we may find ourselves pondering the difference between an obsessive ravenous focused career pursuit and an addictive substance (Neuroscience has shown, that often the difference is not so great, at all!).
If you’re hanging out on socials, or down at the pub with your ‘self-improved’ friends and find yourself overwhelmed by this notion of finding your life purpose (and my gosh I haven’t included the age-old dialogue around finding your special someone, “the one”), then perhaps look to simplify your endeavour, by alternatively asking this question:
What can I really do with the majority of my time that feels important and meaningful?
Then tack in, check-in points throughout each year (yes that means not only New Years Eve!) to ask yourself:
Does the stuff that I do for most of my waking life still feel important, if not - why, and in the why - what better aligns, now?
If you want to duck into the ‘feels’ a little more intimately, then I’d get you to ask yourself:
Is the thing I deem important, that I see value and meaning in - worth the shitty days?
As an example you may love skiing, so in the winter months you travel out to the same snowy mountains each year and work as a ski instructor. The mornings are early, the days are long and more often than not, you come home - with clothes damp (having fallen over a few times), a little sticky, sore and icky. Well if most days - teaching the kids (or adults, cause there’s folks out there like me too!) brings a huge smile to your face and there’s genuine excitement when you meet people and tell them what you do - then I’d have a guess that those shitty cold, windy, dark mornings and damp evenings are worth it - they’re worth the sacrifice for a job you find important and joy activating! If not - then - I’d encourage you to ask the:
What would better align with where I’m at - these days?!
This example came to me following a recent conversation with a good friend who has just headed over to Canada - to, well, not surprisingly teach skiing. She was elated by the mere idea and now it’s actually happening - she couldn’t be happier. As she proceeded to describe her ‘everyday’ as a ski instructor - I could feel the hairs rise up on my back.
I love myself some outdoor adventures, but skiing for 10+ hours, in crazy windy conditions, picking up a bottomless pit of fallen teens, and to go to sleep knowing you’re going to be doing it all over again the next day - no, thank you!
In fact I’d go so far as to say that what made the ski lodge pick her application up over so many others - is that she has the experience. She’s not going in blindly - thinking it will be all fun (I mean some kids even poop and wet themselves in their ski suits from the mere fear of falling)...needless to say, it’s not her first rodeo and she loves the job in spite of the shitty beyond shitty days.
She has remarked in the past that she actually leans into the challenging moments, she loves that she can help a kid who is having an all out tantrum at the top of the hill and is holding everyone up - refusing to ski down or the windier than windy days, where visibility is so low, you can barely see your arms, when put out in front of you.
In fact, I think I recall that she calls these very conditions, “magical.” I remember looking at her face as the word left her mouth - she meant it and here’s the thing…she knows that she’d likely be better at this stuff than half of the backpackers that sign up to the job; slave through each day and count the money they get paid, to justify the sheer slug uphill that they experience it to be.
And so I suppose that’s it.
It’s not just about her being a good skier, it’s about her willingness to take a hit on casual work during the summer months (versus a full time job) so that she CAN be available as a ski instructor during the winter months. And - she knows that she’s a damn fine one at that. When kids refuse to ski and high winds lead to complete blackout days - she smiles as she looks around and sees the very same conditions bringing such misery to so many faces.
The thing is and here’s possibly what’s key - she loved skiing and helping cousins up in the snow - well before money, with a paycheck was ever attached to it.
While money certainly does help - sometimes this lack of external reward (whether that be through a paycheck or positive encouragement from a parent or loved one) is the signal of what your heart tends to desire - what your soul feels so immersed in that time kinda stops and it’s just you and ‘that’ frivolous thing.
When you forget to eat, you haven’t even checked in to see if you’re hungry.
You just are. You just exist in the present.
What’s that thing for you now?
Not because of some big paycheck, not because of some fancy title you can name drop at family BBQ’s….
NO!
What’s that thing that separate to all external validation - you just find yourself happy doing these days?
Asking this - may help - is there anything that you’d just love to re-visit from your childhood, college days, travel memories?
Like something you always loved.
I’ve got a friend who now lives in an alternate community - off the back of this very thought.
She was sitting in an uncomfortable suit, in a fancy office, way up in the sky, daydreaming and recalled how much she’d just love to run around, be part of community, play, share stories and plant things with friends together.
Not surprisingly not long after, she quit her corporate gig and finds herself loving living in a larger sustainable off-grid community, where skills are traded for others.
I used to love making cookies with friends, and when friends moved away and the opportunity to play around in the kitchen with dough, seemed to die down, I came to realise that it wasn’t in fact the process of cooking and creating incredible cookies, it was the process of welcoming my friends in my home, proudly helping them out in our kitchen and excitedly sharing an activity with them.
Later on in life, when I began to host weekly board game nights - I came to realise that it hadn’t actually been chef-ing in the kitchen or amazing dessert creation moments that brought me such joy - but rather:
- connecting with friends
- sharing things with them; and
- watching as we all enjoyed in the frivolous fun
I discovered this again with board game nights and later on in life in team off-sites and as a HR Leader capable of creating playful spaces in the office, areas where employees could come together in gorgeous lunch rooms and wide open talking spaces - this playful community hotspot came to shape much of the way I saw and ‘did’ HR.
So when looking at what might prove meaningful for you…
Look beyond the simplistic activity (making cookies for me) and into what created the specialness of that space.
Could you feel the same way if where you lived etc changed and if not - then what’s the one thing you would need to keep the same in order to experience that joy?
For instance - if it was the cookie making that brought me joy then the thing I needed most would likely be the ingredients and kitchen, this knowledge would help a chef-yet-to-be-discovered likely understand what steps needed to be taken in order for joy to be ignited once again.
For me, it’s this sense of:
- community
- candid friendship; of
- shared laughs
Wherever I go in the world, I’ve always noticed myself wanting to organise meet ups. In work - creating environments where employees can excel, collaborate and brainstorm great ideas together.
It was part of the reason that years ago my department was the only one that trialled, open plan lunchrooms with mixed chill-out zones. I should add that when I proposed that we take this open-plan larger lunch room plan further I was struck down with everything from ‘no budget to do so,’ right through to rolling eyes.
Here’s the thing though - the more I battled to get buy-in, the more I realised I wanted it. The more fight I put up.
Hint: Look for the ‘fight.’ What do you find yourself wanting to fight for?
Nothing - then find something worth fighting for.
We as humans aren’t designed to stay stagnant/still.
In facing the backlash and uphill struggle to get these spaces across the line - I kinda realised how much this sense of community meant to me.
This is a key sign for you…what have you done, that when obstacles started to rise you found yourself wanting to dig even further into them?
This is usually another sure sign that you’re meant to be doing that! xo
Even better if upon reflection you realise that you’re having an uphill fight for others benefit - not only yours. This is kinda the hint of - yep, this thing really is important!
You should feel like the thing you’re doing or want to do is making a difference, it’s adding value to others.
So whether it’s making a product or providing a service - do YOU feel that it is making a difference?
For my skiing friend - she saw many kids that have never seen snow in their lives before - she knew that an amazing e.g. three (3) days of skiing lessons would not only bring out the confidence in them to understand how much more capable they are than what they may have thought 3 days earlier, but also how much fun skiing can be and hopefully inspire them to keep visiting this, even into adulthood.
What feels like it makes a difference to you?
When I think about whether or not hanging out with friends, making colleagues comfortable, creating psychologically safe spaces matters a lot or maybe it’s just one of many things that matters to me today - I tend to find the answers in this…
If I only had 1 choice on any given day to go somewhere, do something, be someone - what would it be?
The answer time and time again, is this: I want to be part of a community - I want to contribute as much as I want to be challenged. I want to look out and see an empowered cohort of people, of change-makers who I've helped level up in this world - who have then gone on to impact others in beautifully kind, energising, steward-ly and inspiring ways. This matters to me. And...it matters the most to me in the very area many of us spend a third of our lives in: work! For my friend she’d be up on those ski slopes helping little struggling ones out - irrespective of whether they were in her ski school or some parents random kid, struggling in the snow.
Who do you want to be (screw legacy...[at least for now!], who do you want to show up as tomorrow, hell today!
The biggest take away is this - whether it’s my friend or I, WE’RE TAKING ACTION - we’re HEADING IN A DIRECTION - now often along the way there will be pivots but the important thing is that we CONTINUE MOVING!
We don’t get stuck and reach out to the remote to bask in Netflix.
NO!
We move, we’re not even sure half the time exactly where, but we take a step forward into what seems about right and then reassess and do it all again…
Because for now…
THAT IS OUR LIFE PURPOSE - if you want to insist on calling it that!
If you want to know more about positive feedback loops and the part Neuroscience has to play in this - or have someone guide you along this journey in a judge-free-inviting and supportive way - then book in some time. If you don’t have friends or family to chat to, about this stuff or do but are simply looking for someone neutral, an outside perspective and some serious skills to help you along the way - then I’m your wing woman!
and...'cause a few of you asked (but kinda as an aside)...
Career, Life and Working Relationships
I’m sorry if you missed my 2023 “Career, Life and Working Relationships” Workshops (sorry, I too, didn’t expect them to sell out so fast! I’ll look to hold another later in the year). Seriously - when you see my next launch - if it’s something that makes sense to you - then join. Many of my in-person events are one-offs, by design.
Because I’ve been asked - and - frankly - love you guys - In the workshop (in summary)...
I suggested considering a similar approach (to this Life Purpose pondering stuff above) when tossing up if your person is indeed the one - even if we’re just saying - the one, for this time in your life.
Simply ask yourself - do they support me with what I find important in life and do I feel better as a person with them.
If you can answer yes to this, not necessarily just for today (I mean I don’t know, you could be in a foul mood) but if you can answer this as a resounding “yes” for most of the year - then I’d say for now, they’re your one!
Please remember - if or when you feel like you have no sense of direction, no purpose in your life, it’s because you don’t know what’s important to you.
You likely don’t know what your values are.
And when you don’t know what your values are, then you’re essentially taking on other people’s values and living other people’s priorities instead of your own.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
Sometimes it’s not only in personal life, sometimes it’s in the office - in your working life. This is a one-way ticket to unhealthy relationships and eventual misery.
What are you willing and unwilling to put up with.
It’s good to have a walk-away point.
For more guidance, clarity, tips and tricks - my 1:1 places are almost gone for the next 2 months. Maybe now isn’t the time for you - if it is though - delays will likely cost you a 1:1 opportunity this year.
Check out some of my clients testimonies https://louisewithemployease.com/testimonials/ and Book in some 1:1 time and let’s freaking go about changing, organising or even just getting clarity in your life, for the better!